The Mistake

I knew it was a mistake as I rode up the elevator. Upon entering, I plastered myself against its back wall as if to shore up my strength and immediately felt my hands and jaw clench. My body was taking a stance I had rarely felt before. Sheer terror. And I recoiled.

When the doors opened and I saw the short wooden platform before me, I froze in place. The day could not have been more gorgeous. Blue skies with hardly a cloud anywhere and the sun. Oh, that sun made everything in New Zealand brighter and more vibrant. The blues were bluer. The greens greener. The attendant stood beckoning me and my feet which had always been so reliable before, refused to move. Not even an inch. Even the blue and green could not entice.

My brain tried to fool me with rationalizations, the guilty kind. You’ll never be here again. All the kids are watching and they could do it. Craig’s older than you and he did it with a flourish. Nonchalantly taking off his windbreaker as he hung upside down grinning a fool’s smile. It’s nonrefundable. Just do it. And then the tears came. Slow, painfully slow. I was so disappointed in myself. But time was ticking. Everyone was waiting for me so we could get back on the bus and there was no time to reason this out. No time to think about it. Maybe that was the key. The others hadn’t really thought about it. They signed the waiver but didn’t read it. You can’t sue in New Zealand for much of anything including negligence. But who was negligent here? The company? Or me?

I knew myself. I knew myself well enough to know that this was not my gig. I had loved the simulated sky dive, floating 8 feet in the air atop a giant hair dryer 40 feet from the ground. Hovering. I was an observer after all. Hovering is my thing. But falling? On purpose? No.

I shook my head slightly from side to side at the attendant. He tried to coax me, gently. I’m sure he had seen this before. What my mind wrestled with my body didn’t think twice about. My feet would not move and so, feeling ashamed, the elevator went back down with me in it.

The relief was palpable. Instantaneous. I was embarrassed but certain.

This was not my leap.

I had gone to New Zealand and discovered what I knew all along. Bungee jumping was not for me.